So the coach didn’t need stats… he needed therapy. When your opponent’s username triggers visceral dislike? Congrats — you just lost in silence while they queued up for ‘overtime goals’. Meanwhile, I’m over here sipping tea from a porcelain trophy labeled ‘7 Metrics No Coach Reveals’. Next time you rage-quit… remember: the real game wasn’t on the pitch. It was in your head.

Ever tried winning by pride? We all did. Now go check your pause button.